GOP Healthcare Bill a Literal Band-Aid For System
(Washington, DC) Pointing to an actual Band-Aid, Paul Ryan yesterday unveiled the GOP healthcare bill he hopes will replace the Affordable Care Act.
"People see it as a metaphor, but it's an actual Band-Aid," Ryan said presenting his plan at a news conference in Washington, DC. "We want everyone to be covered and with a Band-Aid this size, that's finally possible."
Ryan's Band-Aid does not involve a mandate that all citizens buy health insurance or pay a fine. A tenet of the ACA that was unpopular with Republicans. "This plan does away with that," Ryan continued. "This plan is simple. Every family in America will be issued a large Band-Aid brand bandage. This Band-Aid will be available to soothe any wound and aid in recovery of the patient."
Upon learning of the bill, Health & Human Services director Tom Price invested heavily in Johnson & Johnson, the company that makes Band-Aids. "This is a great day. Repealing Obamacare with a company that I now own a shit ton of stock in? That's a win for America," he said.
President Trump also liked the idea. "This is a great plan. The best. When people see these Band-Aids, they're gonna be so happy. So, so happy. I assure you."
Sources confirmed that Ryan actually thought of the plan years ago when he was a child in Janesville, WI. :"One time, I fell on my bike and got a boo-boo and my Mommy put a Band-Aid on it. And it worked! Ever since then, I've been, like,...Band-Aids, yeah."