GOP Healthcare Bill a Literal Band-Aid For System

(Washington, DC)  Pointing to an actual Band-Aid, Paul Ryan yesterday unveiled the GOP healthcare bill he hopes will replace the Affordable Care Act.

"People see it as a metaphor, but it's an actual Band-Aid," Ryan said presenting his plan at a news conference in Washington, DC. "We want everyone to be covered and with a Band-Aid this size, that's finally possible."

Ryan's Band-Aid does not involve a mandate that all citizens buy health insurance or pay a fine. A tenet of the ACA that was unpopular with Republicans. "This plan does away with that," Ryan continued. "This plan is simple. Every family in America will be issued a large Band-Aid brand bandage. This Band-Aid will be available to soothe any wound and aid in recovery of the patient."

"Large families will get their new healthcare in big boxes like this," Speaker Paul Ryan said yesterday.

Upon learning of the bill, Health & Human Services director Tom Price invested heavily in Johnson & Johnson, the company that makes Band-Aids. "This is a great day. Repealing Obamacare with a company that I now own a shit ton of stock in? That's a win for America," he said.

President Trump also liked the idea. "This is a great plan. The best. When people see these Band-Aids, they're gonna be so happy. So, so happy. I assure you."

Sources confirmed that Ryan actually thought of the plan years ago when he was a child in Janesville, WI. :"One time, I fell on my bike and got a boo-boo and my Mommy put a Band-Aid on it. And it worked! Ever since then, I've been, like,...Band-Aids, yeah."