GOP Health Plan To Free Millions From Burden Of Insurance
(Washington, DC) The recently unveiled GOP healthcare plan will emancipate millions of Americans from the slavery of healthcare, the Congressional Budget Office announced this week. Sources confirmed that a record number of Americans will become free from the yoke of good health they've been shouldering since ObummerCare ruined everything in 2011.
"It's been a real drag," ObamaCare recipient and Kentuckian, Jasper Tubbins said from a prompt-care facility in Frankfurt where he was having some moles looked at. "I've been sitting here for going on 2 hours, and for what? So, some Know-it-all Doctor can biopsy some possibly pre-cancerous cells? Pfffft." Before ObamaCare, Tubbins was free to work and pray to Jesus without the burden of doctor visits. "Those were the days," Tubbins said, rubbing a hernia he was also going to have the doctor look at. "Those were the days."
The author of the bill, Speaker of the House Paul Ryan was thrilled with the numbers from the CBO, a bi-partisan office that tabulates the cost and savings of congressional bills. "We're thrilled," the Speaker said while working out at a 24-Hour Fitness in suburban Washington. "And when I say we, I'm talking about me and these babies right here," he said kissing his biceps once each. "Unshackling our citizens from the leg-irons of insurance has long been a platform of the GOP and a number one priority since ObamaCare began eroding the foundation of the democracy we white people who belong here cherish. And with these numbers from the CBO, it looks like we'll be extricating millions from the burdensome trammels of regular consistent healthcare."