Mike Pence Furiously Masturbating Whenever He's Alone

"Sometimes I use  this  hand," the Vice President said.

"Sometimes I use this hand," the Vice President said.

(Washington, DC). Fighting back the demons of sexual temptation, Vice President Mike Pence spends all of his time alone "getting the poison out."

"It's always there," Pence said referring to the demonic Whore of Babylon that appears to him whenever he's in the presence of a woman or young boy. "But, if I just get it out of me when no one's around to see, I can go out in public for a few more hours."

Pence, sources confirm, spends many hours each day in the Vice-Presidential bathroom combing his hair. "Oh, he's always in there," wife Karen said from the kitchen where she was shoeless. "I say to him, 'Mike, what are you doing in there?' and he says, 'I'm brushing my hair, Mother!' and I say, 'for an hour? You've been in there for an hour.' and he says, 'Just leave me alone, Jeez!'"

The action has led to situations with the laundry as well. "He's almost completely out of socks." a spokesman for the White House laundry said.

The Vice-President hasn't been alone with a woman other than his wife since 2002. "Is that right?" he said from the podium in the White House press room where he was answering questions on the topic. "2002? Wow. It's been that long. Phew," he said wiping his brow. "That's uh, quite a long time, you know? You know what, I'll be right back." he concluded, excusing himself to probably comb his hair.

Brett Erickson