Area Fatty Thankful TrumpCare Ensures Need For Future Benefit Hog Roasts

(Cedar Rapids, IA)  Local meat-eater Dale Quisenberry was thankful this week that the recently passed GOP health care bill will ensure the need for fund-raising hog roasts for the area's sick.

"I hope it passes the Senate as is," Quisenberry said mowing down on a pork rib at a benefit for a local mother of three with stage 4 breat cancer. "If it passes the Senate, we'll be doing this every weekend," he said drooling barbecue sauce down the front of his shirt.

Quisenberry is thankful for the change after the passage of ObamaCare in 2011 led to a sharp decline in the need for such local benefits. "It was a living hell," he said quivering slightly at the memory. "Everybody got insurance and they were just going to the doctor when they got sick and the bills were all paid. It was terrible."

The American Health Care Act passed the House by a vote of 217 - 213, a little too close for Quisenberry. "I got real nervous. Then it passed and I wheezed out a little 'woo-hoo.' I want it to go back to what it was like before ObamaCare, those were their good, old days, the halcion days, I like to call 'em. Back then, nobody had insurance. If you got sick you had no choice, but to slaughter a hog and invite the town over. Every weekend we were having a benefit for some diabetic or cancer lady. It was great. Why, I put on 30 lbs in the summer of 2009 alone," he said wiping his mouth with the sleeve of his Joe Camel jacket.

Quisenberry has plans for the moment the AHCA passes and becomes law. "I'm dropping my insurance immediately," he said, "I mean, I have chest pains all the time. What if I need a bypass or a stint or something? Why, I'd just kill myself if that happened and I had insurance to pay for it and didn't need a benefit."

Brett Erickson