Trump Saves Bullies Trouble of Seeking Out Trans Kids
Washington, DC -- President Donald Trump today saved the nation's bullies the hassle of searching for transgender students to pick on by rescinding the Obama-era policy allowing trans-gender students to use the bathroom of their gender identity.
"This really makes things a lot easier for us," bully Chris Johansson said from the boy's bathroom in Calvin Coolidge Middle School in Amarillo, TX, where he was giving a local nerd a "swirlie." "Used to be we bullies had to roam back and forth between ALL the bathrooms to find a kid that was a little bit different and, therefore, deserved to be ridiculed and assaulted. Now, they gotta come to us," he said cracking his knuckles ominously.
Trump's executive order requires that student's use the bathroom of the gender identified on their birth certificate, regardless of whether that is the gender to which they identify. This will force trans-students into bathrooms they don't want to be in and will make them easy to spot for overworked bullies across the country. "Like lambs to the slaughter," bully Frankie Tessatore said, removing the lunch money from the pockets of an unsuspecting schoolmate who was smaller than him and dressed less affluently. "This really is great. I don't even know what 'trans' is, but I know I don't like it."
With the time that frees up, bullies are announcing entirely new offenses to weaker and different students they previously didn't have the time to execute.
"Indian Burns, Tittle Twisters, Purple Nurples, we're gonna be able to get to all those things now. This really is a great time to be a bully!" Tessatore said.