World Anxious Over Location of Next Imaginary Attack
(Everywhere) Citizens the world over expressed concern today over the location of the next terrorist attack that won't have taken place. Concerns have grown steadily since the Trump administration last announced a fictional attack had happened in Sweden.
"You just never know where it's gonna happen," stein maker Gerhard Fruger said through a translator from his stein factory in Dusseldorf where he makes steins. "Since it's, you know, fictional, it's hard to get a handle on it and prepare."
"We don't wanna get caught with our pants down like Sweden," Canadian Guy LaRoughx said from his hockey goal net mending shop in Edmonton, "I mean, they were really caught of guard, eh? That's not gonna happen to us, I can tell ya. We'll be ready."
It's just that sort of never-ending vigilance that's needed in these trying times says Fictional Emergency Preparedness expert, Sheila Frompton from her apartment in Scottsdale. "You have to always be ready, always be prepared, because a fictional attack could not happen anywhere. In fact, and this is the thing a lot of people forget," she continued leaning forward on her chair for dramatic effect, "one could...could be not happening right now."
In Washington, DC President Trump and staff were tight-lipped about where they thought the next terrorist attack that didn't happen will happen. "Hard to say," White House press secretary Sean Spicer commented Tuesday. "We can't even say who will announce where the next attack won't have happended, So, there's no way to know where it won't have happened, he said. "I mean Trump has his own group of locations he prefers to pretend terrorist attacks have happened, while KellyAnne has a completely different lack of thought process when it comes to that kinda thing. And, you never know, I might someday bring up the attack I've been thinking about that didn't take place. It's on the moon," he whispered.
Whatever the location, humans of Earth aren't expected to have to wait long to hear where the next attack won't have happened. "Oh, I think anytime now," Spicer added, "much of our agenda requires a fearful electorate, so..."