Starbucks Listens to Angry Patriots. Hires Out-of-Work American Instead of Refugees.
(Seattle, WA) American coffeehouse Starbucks listened to angry American patriots this week and pulled back on their pledge to hire 10,000 refugees. Instead, the company announced, they would hire 9,999 refugees and one out-of-work American.
"This is a real win," Ruth Gatlin said carrying a Venti iced coffee to her trailer behind the Starbucks in Dothan, Alabama. "Finally those Jew-lovin' hippies listened to us. It feels good. It just goes to show ya, whether it's the picture on their cups or their plan to help thousands of people fleeing certain death, Starbucks pisses us off. And now, finally, 600 and, I think, 33 boycotts later, we finally got 'em to cave."
"We didn't really cave," a company spokesperson said from their headquarters in Seattle. "We're still actually going to hire 10,000 refugees across our thousands of stores worldwide. I mean, it's just the right thing to do. But, we just thought if we put out this obviously photoshopped picture of Hillary working as a barista, Trump voters would be distracted and confused enough to feel like they'd won."
"We won," said Gary Maklewicz sipping a caramel macchiato at a Starbucks in Jacksonville, Florida. "When I think about Killary getting me a coffee, I just laugh so hard. We won this one and I'm glad Starfags finally listened.!"
"I'm gonna tell her my name is Trump!" Trump voter Dylan Schmitt said from the window of his Ford F-150 in the drive-thru of a Starbucks in Terre Haute, Indiana. "I'll tell her my name is Trump and then she'll have to say, 'Trump! Trump! Your coffee's ready. Trump! It'll be fuckin' hilarious," he said before sliding a Jeff Dunham comedy cassette into his tape player and breathing through his mouth. "Fuckin' Hilarious!"