Dora The Explorer To Explore Back Where She Came From
(San Antonio, TX) Popular illegal immigrant Dora Velez-Rodriguez was caught in an immigration round-up in central Texas this week. The actress, sources confirm, was caught while trying to cross Grumpy Troll Bridge with a purple backpack and a talking monkey in shiny red boots.
The tip came into the U.S Immigration and Customs Enforcement office from an informant agents said to resemble a bipedal fox in a blue eye mask. The fox, agents said, witnessed the suspect attempt to cross the bridge numerous times on her daily "adventures."
"Looked pretty suspicious," ICE Agent, Lance Griley said in a press conference following the arrest. "I mean, why's she always got to be crossing that bridge anyway, hmmm?"
Many have long suspected the liberal and indigenous rights provocateur of secretly muling drugs across the U.S./Mexican border in the aforementioned backpack, which she was seen with regularly. The backpack when searched did not contain any drugs, but agents arrested it anyway on suspicion that pack had eaten them all just before the bust. "When we got there the backpack was talking," Griley said. "And if there's anything I learned in Drug Busting School, it's that if an inanimate object is talking to you, it is high as fuck!"
Dora, sources say, will be taken back to whatever country she's from and allowed to explore there. "Look, we're not saying she can't do what she loves," White House Press Secretary Sean Spicer said in his press briefing today. "We're just saying she can't do it here. We've got our own Explorers who, under Obama were out of work and hurting. We want them to do the exploring in this country."
When pressed for comment, "Swiper, no swiping." was all the embattled star had to say, repeating the phrase over and over for reporters.