NRA Can’t Decide If Every American Should Have 9 or 13 Guns

 Some NRA members think every American should have this many guns. Others in the group think it’s a different amount.

Some NRA members think every American should have this many guns. Others in the group think it’s a different amount.

(Fairfax, VA)  The National Rifle Association is in disarray this week as members argue over whether every American should have 9 or 13 guns.

”I think it’s 9,” NRA member Dean Pipestone said from his garage in Terre Haute, IN. “9 is the right amount, for sure.”

”Nah, it’s 13,” shot back Gus Hewitt, a dues paying NRA member for 35 years. “Everybody knows everyone should have 13 guns.”

”Nope, it’s 9,” Pipestone replied mentioning family and tradition. “My Daddy had 9 guns. And my Daddy’s Daddy had 9 guns. And my Daddy’s Daddy’s Daddy had 9 guns. That’s enough for me,” he said.

Proponents of a 13-gun household see it differently. “Listen, if you make it so every American has 9 guns, only criminals will have 13 guns,” Hewitt said while cleaning an AR-15 he keeps in case he’s got to shoot a bunch of people.

The two camps are evenly split, with a third off-shoot group that believes everyone should have 26 guns. Some in the NRA are worried the rift could lead to a permanent split in the group. “I hope it doesn’t come to that,” NRA President Wayne LaPierre said from the 3rd Circle of Hell, where he has a condo. “This group’s too important to me to have them walk away from each other over this. I mean, the NRA ‘s already been through so much, with the constant attacks from the people who don’t like being shot and the near daily round-ups of our guns that took place for eight years under Obama. I just hope and pray we can work it out.”

Still, the debate rages on. “Look, if you can’t kill a bunch of people with 9 guns, you just can’t kill a bunch of people. 13 guns ain’t gonna help,” 9-gun proponent Carrie Thomas said from her hair salon/doomsday bunker in Bentonville, AR.

Strong words, but not enough to sway 13-gun supporter, Winston Faddle, Jr. of Charleston, SC who replied, “You can have my 13 guns when you pry ‘em from my cold, dead hands, feet, knees, hips, elbows, shoulders, and left ear.”

Brett EricksonComment