After Kavanaugh Fight, America’s Women Free To Return To Kitchen

(Washington, D.C.) With their hysterical rants against an obviously cool guy behind them, America’s women are finally free to return to the realm God intended them to inhabit, the kitchen.

“We’ve got to get back to doing what we do, serving our husbands,” said an obviously relieved Linda McCormick from her kitchen in Muncie, IN where she was preparing a delicious lasagna. “I don’t want to have to think about things other than how much milk and sugar go into cookies and whether or not I should be wearing shoes,” she said.

 “All I want to think about is cakes,” says relieved housewife Meryl Johnson from her kitchen located in 1957.

“All I want to think about is cakes,” says relieved housewife Meryl Johnson from her kitchen located in 1957.

Another woman, Carol Thompson from Topeka, KS echoed McCormick’s thoughts. “This whole affair has been ridiculous,” she said slicing bananas to add to her famous banana pancakes. “It’s enough for us to remember exactly how our husbands like their eggs in the morning. I don’t think we even need to worry about how many lies a Supreme Court nominee told under oath. Those are men things. I just want to cook the pot roasts they eat while they discuss it. Oh, and not wear shoes,” she said.

The neurotic ranting was in response to President Trump nominating cool guy Brett Kavanaugh to fill the vacant seat on America’s highest court. With his approval by the Senate yesterday, the court is solidly conservative and will be possibly for decades.

”Thank Jesus,” conservative Sheila Abernathy said upon hearing the news from her husband as he placed his dinner order for later that night. “My brain was hurting thinking about anything other than what my dear husband wants to eat and when. Also, I wonder about when to wear shoes. I think only when my husband takes me out to his favorite steakhouse or bowling, in which case they supply the shoes, I think.”

Brett Erickson