Hey Liberal Snowflakes, Please Stop Hurting My Feelings

Contributing editor, Whitey McWhiteface

Contributing editor, Whitey McWhiteface

Dear Liberal Snowflakes,

Why must you make me feel bad? I can't enjoy Our Glorious Leader over your loud protesting about how women should be allowed to read or something.

Yes, I protested on the street when Obama got elected, but that's different. Obama was black. Do you guys not remember that? Can you reasonably expect me to go eight years without comparing him to a monkey? Have you seen his ears?

The world was bad under Obama. The government let gay people love each other under him. What? God did not give this country to Jesus and Joe the Plumber just to make me have to watch two men make sacrilegious, disgusting, lewd, secret, hot, forbidden love every night. Plus, he let Mexicans jizz on our children! I mean, C'mon guy, I gotta draw the line somewhere.

Let's face it. Obama was a bad politician Obama couldn't even measure up to other world leaders. He was communist, but not cool communist like that guy over in Russia. What's his name? Plutin? Obama has an ugly wife. Plutin has sex with bears. That's what I'm looking for in a world leader.

You guys should have the utmost respect for and obedience to Our Great Leader because he is a winner. And I like winners. That's why I have a Tom Brady jersey in my closet and a Confederate flag on my wall.

So, stop protesting. Stop! Stop! Stop!!!!!!!!! I'm so offended that you guys are this offensive. I mean, I'm just so mad!

Look, I know things don't always go your way. It's just important to remember when things go my way, you're supposed to shut up and just be okay with it.