Astute Jr. Spots Deep State Spy Cake
(Washington, D.C.) African Muslim B. Hussein Obama was thwarted in his latest effort to collect intel for the Deep State when an astute Donald Trump Jr. spotted the device on top of a cookie he saw.
”They almost got me,” the smiling First Family member said, trying to hold his Crest White Strips in place. “But, then I noticed that the picture on the cookie looked like that one guy and I was like, ‘Heeeeeyyyyyy, wait a minute here...what’s this about then?’...hehehe. I was on to ‘em at that point.”
The cookie was transported to an F.B.I. lab in Virginia and, when analyzed, discovered to consist almost entirely of sugar, flour, and eggs. “It was the normal sort of desert cookie topping, you know?’ F.B.I. nerd Cringe Toppworthy said in a statement released this morning. “Pretty average stuff.”
”That’s EXACTLY what they’d have us believe, isn’t it?” Trump Jr. said upon hearing of the test results and possibly high from whatever goop that is they slather onto those tooth strips. Seriously, what is that? “EXACTLY what they’d have us believe,” he continued. “Pretty sneaky stuff. This goes a lot deeper than we thought!”
Senator Ted Cruz was also a victim of the Sorosian plot to spy on wholesome Americans when he stood near the cookie for a photo. “Whew,’ he said. “It’s creepy just to be near it. To think, what evil concocted this and held it in his hand. And now, it’s here. It just...it just gives me the creeps, is all.”
Options for what to do with the cookie remained open today. Some are calling for it to be destroyed, others for its study. “I think we should jab it with a stick,” Trump Jr. said from his bathroom where he was trying to peel tooth-whitening strips from his wonderful choppers. “I’ll bet if we did, that stick would pop out of that ring Soros watches us on and jab HIM right in the eye. That’d be cool. Serve him right, too!” he said passing out and hitting his head on the toilet rim.