Citing Need To Focus On "Decisive & Overwhelming Victory" Trump Bans Self From Military

(Washington D.C.)  Pointing to the need for the nation's military to be able to achieve "decisive and overwhelming victory" President Donald Trump today banned himself from serving "in any capacity."

"Look, I'm a fucking idiot," the President said from the White House. "With me at the helm, who know what could happen. One time, I even mentioned the location of some of our top-secret nuclear submarines in a speech. Pffft, I mean, what was I doing?"

The move comes after Trump consulted with Defense Secretary James Mattis, who mentioned to the President that he is an illiterate reality-TV star with the attention span of a crack-addled 3rd-grader who doesn't know the first thing about military readiness.

"He made some good points up front," the President said, "then I drifted away from the conversation a bit and started to think about that time I was pretending to drive that big truck. That was so neat!

The President is traditionally the Commander-In-Chief of the entire U.S. military, but in their case that seems like a terrible idea.

"I will be barred from serving in any way," the President said before saluting a lamp on his desk and tweeting about witches. The American military will know be run by anybody else.

Brett EricksonComment