Trump Wins Vacations. Will Pack 23 Days Into 17 Day Getaway
(Bedminster, NJ) Proving he's the best at vacations too, Donald Trump announced today that he will fit 23 days worth of vacation into 17.
"It's gonna be great, believe me. I can do it. I'm the best person at not wanting people in AND vacations," the President said on his way to his golf course in New Jersey. "I mean, I can even do it in New Jersey and it's a shithole!"
Trump plans to get the extra days by squeezing in extra rounds of golf between cheeseburger courses and doubling his output of inappropriate comments to nearby females. "He's already proven he's better than Obama at golf, so we're confident he can take that to the next level and get a few more rounds in while also eating," White House Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders said in the morning's press briefing. "If he can eat and golf like we know he can, that'll be a few extra days worth, right there."
The President also plans to make inappropriate comments to the women in his immediate orbit at a rate that will feel, when concluded, like a few extra days worth of relaxation was had. Huckabee Sanders had no doubt the President was up to the task on this one. "The first thing the President sees when a woman gets near him is her overall shape. Her curves, He likes boobs. He'll comment on that. If you're a little older, but you've had some work done and it's good work, he'll maybe mention that, you know, 'for your age, you're still pretty bangable,' or something like that. It really leaves him feeling refreshed and significant when he's able to talk to women like only an extremely rich asshole would. I'm sure he'll return ready and vigorous in a few weeks." Huckabee Sanders said while dying inside a little bit.
While walking with his family toward the helicopter that would whisk him away on his challenge, the President seemed confident. "I won Maine and New Hampshire and got to 306 votes, Hillary was way less than that. Also, witch hunt. Fake news and her emails."